


My December ~ by Ragna

by AngelBookofDaysModerator



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Angel Book of Days Challenge, Episode: s02e12 Epiphany, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-22
Updated: 2004-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-31 06:36:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelBookofDaysModerator/pseuds/AngelBookofDaysModerator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written by Ragna. Posted on the author's behalf by the Angel Book of Days Moderator.</p><p>Set ten years after "Epiphany."</p>
            </blockquote>





	My December ~ by Ragna

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roseveare](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseveare/gifts).



It wasn't Los Angeles. Winter in the West was just like summer, or spring, or fall...except for the rain. There was more rain that time of the year, drenching people so unexpectedly that the weathermen usually failed to catch it in time.

And since she wasn't in Los Angeles, that meant she was alone. LA was home, she realized with a pang in her heart, and would always be that way, even after...

She missed her mother, she missed her father. She missed the balmy nights where she'd sit on her balcony and drink a beer and look out at the city lights. She missed her coworkers at the department, even after all this time. She missed having a reason for doing things.

She even missed Angel.

She'd kept tabs on him, used her old police contacts to find out how he was doing. Wasn't that hard...not everyone at the station thought she was crazy, and they were more than willing to do her a small favor for old times sake, or because they liked her father so much.

He'd taken over the bane of both of their existence in Los Angeles, Wolfram & Hart, and used the power he had held to clean up the city a bit. While they were still a defense firm, they took on more pro bono work to people who actually deserved it, they donated to more worthy causes that weren't fronts and they kept their noses clean.

This had all continued to this very day, even if Angel wasn't with the firm anymore. There had been a fight, and he had died for a woman named Buffy. That was all she was able to find out. But she had realized, not that long afterwards, that if he cared for this woman, death itself wasn't going to stop him from making sure she was all right.

Part of her was sure Angel had loved her in some small way; he did save her life, after all. Well...if she'd drank a little more and taken some more pills, he'd have saved her life. But in this case, the thought really counted.

It was a half-ass suicide attempt, and they both realized that when it took just a cold shower to wake her up. She never should have told him to leave, though. Should have at least explained why...

She shook her head. It was five years ago that he'd died. Five years to the day. She raised her glass of wine to the stars and simply said, "To Angel."

Drinking some of the wine, she sat on her balcony, bundled up in a coat and a sweater and thick tights under jeans, looking out at the snow covered cityscape that was New York City. She came here because it was different, yet it was the same.

She came here...to start over, she supposed.

She wasn't a cop anymore. No, she didn't think she could ever be one again. Not a private investigator, either. Now she was a teacher. Thanks to that degree her mother had always told her she should get, even if she did decide to become a cop, she was now teaching history and English at one of the local high schools.

She smiled slightly. It was like that Michelle Pfeiffer movie, "Dangerous Minds." Former bad-ass goes into a classroom and teaches her students something. And it was true; over the last few years, she'd survived budget cuts, a shooting outside the school and general nastiness from the hotshot students who thought they knew everything.

But it wasn't the same.

She finished her wine and went inside to her stereo, pressing play before she began to unbutton her jacket. She had changed a lot over the years, and so had her musical tastes. Normally, she hated this nu-metal stuff, but a student was playing this particular song around the time she found out Angel died, and it just stuck with her.

_// this is my December_

_this is my time of the year_

_this is my December_

_this is all so clear_

_this is my December_

_this is my snow covered home_

_this is my December_

_this is me alone \\\_

It was time to pour another glass of wine and go back out onto the balcony, to sit and think some more until her head started to ache from the alcohol and the thoughts. Until everything was a jumbled mess. Then she'd know it was time to go to sleep and let the dreams take over.

_// and I_

_just wish that I didn't feel_

_like there was something I missed_

_and I_

_take back all the things I said_

_to make you feel like that_

_and I_

_just wish that I didn't feel_

_like there was something I missed_

_and I_

_take back all the things that I said to you \\\_

It wasn't like the dreams were much better, though. She saw him there often. Or sometimes she saw him. Some nights he'd leave her in peace and she'd dream about swimming in the ocean in the Bahamas, where no teacher on her salary could afford to go. Some nights she'd dream of other parts of her past. And some nights...

_// and I'd give it all away_

_just to have somewhere to go to_

_give it all away_

_to have someone to come home to \\\_

The nights that made her feel again, that warmed the cold, icy hole in her heart, were the nights she dreamed about Los Angeles. About helping people, and about him. She really did miss Angel; she wasn't quite sure what the connection between them had been, or for that matter could have been, but there was a connection, of that she was fairly sure.

_// this is my December_

_these are my snow covered dreams_

_this is me pretending_

_this is all I need \\\_

She thought about their last conversation. In the alley, so dark, so...nasty...but this wonderful conversation started, one that may have led to something deeper if she'd let him stay.

"I wanna help because I don't think people should suffer, because if there's no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world."

_// and I_

_just wish that I didn't feel_

_like there was something I missed_

_and I take back all the things I said_

_to make you feel like that_

_and I_

_just wish that I didn't feel_

_like there was something I missed_

_and I take back all the things that I said to you \\\_

Then, she'd thought it was a little funny, a little too true. Now...what she wouldn't give for a chance for a small act of kindness from him.

"Yikes, sounds like you've had an epiphany."

"I keep saying that but nobody's listening."

_// and I'd give it all away_

_just to have somewhere to go to_

_give it all away_

_to have someone to come home to \\\_

"Well I'm pretty much convinced. Since I'm alive to be convinced."

"You know, you don't have to be a cop to..."

"I'm okay. Anyway, I'm not headed towards another pill-a-thon."

But she wasn't okay. She was going to back her things and turn her back on her home, and she wasn't going to be okay. She shook her head and went inside again, this time taking another bottle of wine with her when she went back outside.

_// this is my December_

_this is my time of the year_

_this is my December_

_this is all so clear \\\_

She remembered what she said next so clearly, as if it was imprinted on her mind like a tattoo, something that would never leave.

"I'm grateful. I never thought you'd come for me. I got cut a huge break and I believe. I don't know what I believe, but I...have faith. I think maybe we're not alone in this."

// give it all away 

just to have somewhere to go to

give it all away

to have someone to come home to \\\

She went inside and switched the song off before the next chorus, her head swimming with thoughts she didn't want to think. She didn't want to remember what was said next, when she finally let down the wall and admitted...admitted...

"Why?"

"Because I never invited you in."

Admitted there was someone looking out for them both.

***

She opened her eyes.

Her balcony door was shut, but the cold air had sent in snow to settle and melt just inside the door. 

She knew she hadn't shut the door.

For that matter, she hadn't taken off her jacket and sweater, or her gloves. She hadn't washed the wine glass out. She hadn't put the blanket around her.

And hearing the slight clearing of the throat, she turned and she *knew* she hadn't invited him in.

"Get out, McDonald," Kate said, her throat slightly sore and her voice raw.

Lindsey McDonald just sat across from her, drinking his own glass of wine. "Five years. It's a shame."

Kate shook her head and tossed her blanket off. "I *said,* get out."

"I came to deliver something. We found it, recently."

"We?"

"Wesley, Gunn, Fred, myself...you know, the new junior partners at Wolfram & Hart?"

Vaguely, it registered in Kate's mind that Lindsey had left Los Angeles sometime around when she did, except he went back a few years later. Dates were becoming blurry all of a sudden.

"You could have left it at the door."

Lindsey shook his head. "No offense, but this isn't the greatest of neighborhoods and...well..." He handed her a large package. "Need something to open it with?"

Kate nodded and Lindsey handed her a knife, along with a glass of water and two aspirin. She took the aspirin and swallowed them with the water, then took the knife and carefully opened the box.

"Buffy, she'd had us leave Angel's room alone. Only last week, she died. Some sort of gathering. She stopped it, but..." He shrugged. "Never knew her that well. Anyway, her sister said to open up Angel's room and go through his things. We found this box, addressed to you."

Lindsey leaned forward a bit to peer inside. "None of us opened it, or did anything to it."

"Why are you being so nice?" Kate asked quietly.

"I...don't know."

"At least you're honest." She picked up one of Angel's leather jackets, touching the softened leather to her cheek and inhaling the scent.

"Why are you here?"

"To escape."

"Glad to see honesty is something you've never lost, Lockley."

She set the jacket down. "Why'd they send you?"

"Wesley's brokering a peace treaty between two warring demon tribes, Fred's in the middle of some experiment she can't get away from and Gunn has about ten hearing scheduled for the next two weeks that he needs to get ready for." He leaned back again, knowing that Kate would pull everything out of the box. "So I volunteered."

Kate raised her eyebrow slightly but looked at the journal she'd pulled out instead of looking at her former nemesis. "A junior partner leaving the firm to go run a menial errand."

"Well, Angel meant something to me, too."

"Really." Kate didn't even phrase it as a question; it was a statement, nothing more and nothing lesson.

"Who do you think finally got me set on the road to redemption? Lilah?" Lindsey laughed harshly, then reached over for the wine. "Besides, I'm never in Los Angeles today. Too hard."

Kate made a weak attempt to grab the wine back. "Who said you could have some?"

"I did, because this is my bottle. It was going to be a peace offering if you wouldn't let me in the door."

Kate let her hand drop. "Can I have a glass?"

Lindsey nodded, getting up and heading into Kate's kitchen. He took her used glass, rinsed it out, and filled it up with the white wine he'd brought instead of the red wine Kate had been drinking earlier.

"What time is it?" Kate asked, pulling a sheaf of letters and pictures out of the box and spreading them out onto the table.

"Almost six am. You were asleep when I got here. When you didn't answer, and considering it was four thirty in the morning there was cause for concern, I came around to the balcony side of the building."

Kate nodded. "And?"

Lindsey moved out of the kitchen towards her. "And I saw your door wide open. I almost thought..."

"It was another suicide attempt?"

"Well, yeah?"

"Why wait five years to kill myself, Lindsey? Honestly," she muttered. He handed her the glass of wine and she took a deep drink. "If I'd wanted to kill myself I would have done it a while ago."

Lindsey raised his hand and his glass in a defensive gesture. "No harm, Kate, in worrying about someone."

"Kate. I didn't even think you *knew* my first name."

"It's nicer than Lockley, I'll admit. I never really used it before because...well, you don't acknowledge personal attributes of your enemies. Holland Masters' Rules of Corporate & Otherworldly Warfare, lesson four, I think."

Kate smiled slightly. "Seriously...Lindsey," she said, trying on his name. "Why worry about me?"

"Here's why," he said, handing her a letter. "A job opportunity. Not that that's the only reason I'm here," he added quickly, not wanting to lose the understanding they'd sort of just built. "But it's an offer from the firm for you to come work there. Help with some investigative things. Really...help people."

"How?"

"You'd help me with my work, and Gunn with his pro bono cases."

"And just what is your work, Lindsey?" Kate asked, mildly curious. She started to sip on her wine.

"Child advocacy."

Kate almost choked on her wine. "You?"

Lindsey shrugged and finally sat back down. "I got tired of these...children...that I met getting left behind. When Angel took over and I came back, I pushed for him to let me work exclusively on children's cases, even if they were all pro bono. I didn't want to defend anymore scumbag demons, and I didn't care if I made partner or not." A slow smile crept on his face. "Of course, now I'm a junior partner. I run the damn department."

Kate shook her head. "What would I do?"

"Well...be a liaison with Social Services. Check out the parents, grandparents...anyone who may have hurt the child we're representing or help them in the future. As with Gunn's cases, I don't know. He takes on a lot of big cases, but every once in a while he'll defend someone who's been wrongly accused; you'd help on those cases."

"I'll think about it," Kate said, dropping the letter on the table over some of Angel's pictures. She glanced over at them, recognizing only Angel in most of them.

"Offer's open until whenever," Lindsey said, taking another drink. "Almost seems like he knew he was going to die."

"Maybe he did. He never got to become human again, though." She shook her head. "That wasn't fair."

"You knew?" Lindsey asked, and Kate nodded. "I bet he's wherever the heroes are. It's where all of you are going...maybe if I'm lucky enough, I'll get there, too."

"What do you mean, lucky?" Kate said with a slight smirk. "Work your ass of for those kids you want to represent, keep your nose clean, and *then* maybe you'll get to Heaven. Or...wherever."

Lindsey shook his head. "I sold my soul, at some point down the line. I don't have enough to get it back."

"Says who? You don't know who's playing with our lives," she said, a bit angrily. She downed the rest of her wine and gave Lindsey a hard stare. "For all we know, I could be going to Hell for leaving all of them to fight the fight I should have been fighting, too."

Lindsey took away her glass gently and set it aside. "Kate. Listen to me. You are *not* going to Hell for running away. Honest." He grinned at her a little. "You can trust me on this one, I promise."

"Why?"

"Because at one point I had a list of every reason a person could be sent to Hell. Starting a new phase of your life is not one of them."

Kate stared at Lindsey's serious expression, and she started to smile. Then she began to chuckle. Finally, she was laughing so hard she had trouble breathing. "You're serious?"

"Yes, very." Lindsey was joining in on the laughter. "That's why I'm fairly sure Angel's in that place in Heaven reserved for white hats and do-gooders. He must be annoying somebody by now."

Kate swatted at Lindsey and missed. It seemed as though she was the drunker of the two.

"I think it's time you got some sleep. Don't you have class tomorrow?"

"Nope. Tomorrow's Christmas."

Lindsey nodded. "I keep forgetting that." He offered her his hand. "Need help?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do need help." She gripped his hand and hauled herself up to an unsteady balance, then fell into him, causing them both to crash into and break her coffee table. Pictures scattered, wine glasses broke...

And all Kate could do was laugh. Lindsey sat up, helped her up and checked them both over for injuries. By the time he was done, Kate's laughter had turned to tears.

"Did I...did I ruin any...any of the pictures?" she asked between sobs.

Lindsey didn't reach out to comfort her. Instead, he turned and looked at the picture. Other than a bad shot of Angel and Spike that had gotten covered in Lindsey's wine, everything looked okay. "It's fine, Kate."

"No, it's not," she said quietly. She wiped the tears away from her eyes. "Did you know when he saved me, I hadn't invited him in? I never said he could come in? And he still saved me?"

Lindsey stayed quiet, waiting for her to continue.

"And then I run away, and then he dies. He fucking died. He was being noble and...and...saving the woman he loved and...and...he wasn't *thinking* and why didn't he ever come out here to find me, Lindsey? Was I a lost cause?"

She started to cry again, and this time Lindsey helped her back onto the couch and stroked her hair lightly, the movement jerky because he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing. But he couldn't stand to see her cry. Angel really had had an influence over him, he realized.

"No. You weren't. Or why would he have saved these things for you? They all look important...they must have meant something to him...and he gave them to you."

Kate rubbed her eyes again. She stood up and slowly, wobbly, backed away from Lindsey and Angels' possessions. "You're right. I...I need to sleep."

Lindsey nodded and reached for his coat. "I can see my way out."

"No!"

Kate clasped her hands to her mouth as soon as the words came out. Then, slowly, she pulled them away. "I...I don't really know if I should be alone right now. I'm drunk...and I was just on the verge of hysterics...and...I mean..."

She looked at Lindsey, who nodded. "Where are your blankets?"

"In the pantry," she said, pointing to a door by refrigerator. "No place else to put them."

"I'll stay on the couch. If you need me, wake me up." He set the blankets down on the couch and went to Kate. "First, I'm making sure you get to sleep."

"Why?"

"Do you need to ask? You just pointed out all the reasons a few seconds ago."

Kate nodded and led him towards her bedroom. She didn't care if she was still dressed; the morning sun was starting to rise and she was just bone tired. Undressing would have been too much of an effort.

She laid down on her bed and was surprised when Lindsey sat down next to her. "Lindsey?"

"Like I said, I'm making sure you go to sleep."

"Thanks."

There was a pause. "Come back to Los Angeles, Kate."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Kate tried to reply, but sleep took hold and carried her away into a thankfully deep slumber.

***

It was Lindsey who slept into the afternoon. He fallen asleep on her bed, awoken by the smell of coffee and the feel of something hitting him on the head.

"Sorry."

He sat up and looked around. Kate had open three suitcases, two of which were mostly filled. She had been tossing rolled up pairs of socks into the third suitcase and had missed when she hit Lindsey.

"Since when did you get up?"

"Around three in the afternoon. It's four, now." She tossed another sock ball in.

"Why are you packing?"

"I'm going back with you to Los Angeles," she said simply, tossing another sock ball. Lindsey reached out and caught it.

"And the sudden change in decision boils down to *what* reason?"

"I'm not needed here. Well, I am, but it's not like my students will miss me much. They call me Ms. Drill Instructor behind my back. But I'm needed *there,*" she said, punctuating the word with another tossed sock ball, "so that's where I'm going."

Lindsey smiled slightly. "And who said we need you?"

"You did. And...Angel."

"Really?"

"I dream about him, a lot. I dreamed about him last night. I think the first thing he wondered was why you and I were in the same bed together. And then...he told me to take his things back to Los Angeles and keep them there. I'm assuming he wants me to go with them."

Lindsey stood up and stretched. "So you're really coming?"

"Didn't I just say that?"

"And you're not doing this because you're drunk?"

"Woke up stone cold sober."

"Am I dreaming?"

Kate threw a towel at him. "Go get some coffee, and put the towel in the hamper on your way out there."

Lindsey shook his head and smiled. Some spark of life seemed to have ended the bleak, wintery state that both their lives had been in. Los Angeles would never be the same. He went towards the kitchen, slowly, tossing the towel in the hamper.

Kate's eyes followed him. There was something else Angel had said. Someone had been watching out for them. When it was Angel's time to go, he went. But Kate's life had been paused. Now, it would start again, and some of the chances she'd missed would come back around.

All she had to do was trust Lindsey. After all, the same person watching out for her was watching out for him.

And Kate had to smile at the fact that Angel was now their personal guardian angel. He'd keep them safe, she just knew it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Roseveare in the Angel Book of Days Winter Challenge. Prompt: Kate ~ Future/Past/AU ~ I'd like her background as a cop to feature somewhere - whether it's in fighty action, or contacts, or professional know-how. anything, large or small.
> 
> Author's notes ~ The dialogue between Angel & Kate used is from the episode "Epiphany." The song also does not belong to me; it's Linkin Park's "My December" off their "Reanimation" CD.  
> Thanks to Petronius for sending me the Kate/Angel dialogue from "Epiphany."


End file.
